*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
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How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Chicken bread
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Happy Friday
Ah yes. The three genders
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years: