@duplicitron

Free joke for rats: Pick up a cashew and pretend to use it as a phone.

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@UnFitz

Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”

Doctor: “…Oops.”

*slowly turns chart rightside up*

@IamEnidColeslaw

the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials

@TheBoydP

Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?

@Swishergirl24

Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?

Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.

@Daveastated

Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?

Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.

@KalvinMacleod

Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car

@PhuckinCody

[first date]

HER: i’m really into astronomy

ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say

@TheHyyyype

ME: *gives a dollar to a homeless guy*

GUY: hey thanks

[we start talking]

[thirty seconds later]

GUY: i’ll give you a dollar to go away

@roxiqt

All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.

@robfee

Hi I was calling about the $300/hour part time job I read about in a sexy ad I saw on an illegal torrent site. Are you guys still hiring?