Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Free joke for rats: Pick up a cashew and pretend to use it as a phone.
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the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
ME: *gives a dollar to a homeless guy*
GUY: hey thanks
[we start talking]
[thirty seconds later]
GUY: i’ll give you a dollar to go away
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
Hi I was calling about the $300/hour part time job I read about in a sexy ad I saw on an illegal torrent site. Are you guys still hiring?