@JustMeTurtle

Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.

You Might Also Like

@kumailn

Donald Sterling saying racism is not a problem is like mosquitoes saying malaria is not a problem.

@KyleMcDowell86

Im sorry I yelled “GARY LIKED STAR WARS EPISODE ONE” when the pastor asked if anyone knew of a reason why you and Gary shouldn’t be married

@BoogTweets

Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.

@kidphonic

Funny how you can tell a child Santa is made up and they accept it immediately, but you tell an adult God is made up, and they throw a fit.

@petemandik

[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.

@BlackTurnsBlue

I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.

@brendohare

Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn

@realHamOnWry

Her: Why are we in this McDonalds drive though? You promised we were going for a romantic picnic under the stars.

Me: *Opens sun roof*

@sarcasm_inc

I would dress like Batman more often, but I cant run the risk of giant aliens invading and mistaking me for a large Pez dispenser.

@JamesRonaldOK

Rest of the world: omg our country is on lockdown. we’re all doomed, the world is over

Eastbourne in the UK: