Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.

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Donald Sterling saying racism is not a problem is like mosquitoes saying malaria is not a problem.


Im sorry I yelled “GARY LIKED STAR WARS EPISODE ONE” when the pastor asked if anyone knew of a reason why you and Gary shouldn’t be married


Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.


Funny how you can tell a child Santa is made up and they accept it immediately, but you tell an adult God is made up, and they throw a fit.


[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.


I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.


Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn


Her: Why are we in this McDonalds drive though? You promised we were going for a romantic picnic under the stars.

Me: *Opens sun roof*


I would dress like Batman more often, but I cant run the risk of giant aliens invading and mistaking me for a large Pez dispenser.


Rest of the world: omg our country is on lockdown. we’re all doomed, the world is over

Eastbourne in the UK: