Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
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I only treason on days ending in y
Perfect one night stand:
No internet access.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Welcome to twitter, where nobody uses their right to remain silent.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh