@GrapeSodaJamb

free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side

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@JennyJohnsonHi5

Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.

@SondraDeeMe

Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.

No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.

@truegritrumble

ME: *falls off the wagon*

THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.

@rodney_at_large

If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.

@Merman_Melville

Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it

@goolicker

Welcome to twitter, where nobody uses their right to remain silent.

@semple42

So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.

@UncleDuke1969

[doorbell]

“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”

*closes door*

@UTHBOMB99

[When your mom calls you by your full name]

Mom: Scoobert Doobert!

Scooby: Ruh roh