free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
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‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Me too
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”