Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
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This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
gentlemen, hear me out
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.