Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now

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Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone


I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.


Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No


Burgers, she wrote.

– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.


Blind date.

Oh, this is awkward


What i meant…


When I said i was looking for a big dog person was..



“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”

CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan


I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies


I bet Matt McConaughey isnt aware he’s in movies. His agent drops him off & hes like “Ha-Allright..this is my life now? Cool camera broski!”


Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?