Always the pallbearer, never the dead guy
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
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Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
Jesus: For eating an apple
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Oh, this is awkward
What i meant…
When I said i was looking for a big dog person was..
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
I bet Matt McConaughey isnt aware he’s in movies. His agent drops him off & hes like “Ha-Allright..this is my life now? Cool camera broski!”
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?