Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
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I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.