Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
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If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
I am never leaving this website
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.