Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
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New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.