Freedom of expression is great… I can make a kissy face, smiley face or a frowny face, and there’s not a damn thing anyone can do about it

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Sometimes I squat on the floor and put my arms around my knees and lean forward
Cuz that’s how I roll..


Me: *enters exam room
Doctor: Please take off your…
M: *unbuttons pants
D: ??
M: *pauses*


I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.


What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.


Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats


I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes


Stop trying to make small talk with me in an elevator. It’s 2013. Stare at your phone like a normal person


Dropping 11yo off at school.

11yo: Take Lankershim home, there will be less traffic.

Me: But then I’ll pass a McDonalds and I’ll want to stop.

11yo: You’ve only got about 40 years left. Live your life.


Just saw 666 on a license plate and, in case you guys were wondering, Satan drives a Jeep.