@Jojo_51213

Freedom of expression is great… I can make a kissy face, smiley face or a frowny face, and there’s not a damn thing anyone can do about it

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@Ellierocks2013

Sometimes I squat on the floor and put my arms around my knees and lean forward
Cuz that’s how I roll..

@iluvyogacats

Me: *enters exam room
Doctor: Please take off your…
M: *unbuttons pants
D: ??
M: *pauses*
D: GLASSES!
D: I’M AN EYE DR DAMNIT!

@damagedprincess

I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.

@weinerdog4life

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.

@CArmanthegirl

Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats

@BigJDubz

I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes

@j88ess

Stop trying to make small talk with me in an elevator. It’s 2013. Stare at your phone like a normal person

@kellyoxford

Dropping 11yo off at school.

11yo: Take Lankershim home, there will be less traffic.

Me: But then I’ll pass a McDonalds and I’ll want to stop.

11yo: You’ve only got about 40 years left. Live your life.

@uccjeb

Just saw 666 on a license plate and, in case you guys were wondering, Satan drives a Jeep.