[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
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If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Passwords are more important than ever.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.