“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
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I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.