Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
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Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
look at me when i’m typing to you
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work