French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
You Might Also Like
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
#oldknees
Running from your problems is cardio .
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed