[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
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doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
I like crazy people until they notice me
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
I don’t think my car can fly
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir