I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
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Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army