Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
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[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Me too 😆
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge