@hazelmotes1

Frequently Asked Questions:
1) You did what?
3) How dare you?
53) Don’t you know how numbering lists works?

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@JediGigi

Him:You married?

Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?

H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-

M:SO I’M UGLY?

H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry

@Aikiwomannc

When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.

@peteholmes

playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”

@GeorgiaSweet20

A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.

@Jandalize

Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.

@JessObsess

My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.

@david8hughes

[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it

@CherBear162

Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”

@spinubzilla

haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”