David Attenborough, the confusing early years
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BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.