Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
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Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.