[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
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If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
yes… yes…
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam