wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
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Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
When you’re Kinky but poor
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.