@TheTweetOfGod

Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?

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@atamba_lakeli

My boyfriend recently called me his woman
And now we’re living in the jungle, wearing deer skin and hunting for food

@reallifemommy3

Dog: You’re back!

Me: Yes

Dog: I missed you so much!

Me: Aww, that’s sweet

Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness

Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute

Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!

@GingerHotDish

I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.

@dimplesticks

Lionel Ritchie being British :

🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵

@_squiggz

genie: your first wish?

me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

genie:

me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

genie:

me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

@trevso_electric

Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”

@LittleVodkaOwl

Anyone want to suit up in full hazmat gear and head to the grocery store to freak people out?

@hippieswordfish

[police chase]
FRIEND: ditch the stolen stuff
ME: are u sure
F: just do it
M: *throws out stolen anchor and car comes to a screeching halt*

@MyHairyLife

Male seahorses get pregnant.

In related news, scientists believe men who tell women what to with their bodies come back as seahorses.