Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
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My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes