@TheTweetOfGod

Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?

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@Home_Halfway

I don’t understand billionaires who still work. You have a thousand million dollars. If I won $500 in a lottery ticket I’d try to retire

@LucyLouMcB

Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”

@notacroc

Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen

@DaddyJew

You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away

@Darlainky

I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?

@jobrowneyes

Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?

-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender

@GreenEyedLoon

Saved a man from a speeding car
Man: Can’t trust anyone
Me: True
Man: Us old ones got to stick together
Pushed him in front of the next car

@nyquills

Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?

God: love it, it’s done!

[3 days later]

Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?

God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.