Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
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if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
I self medicate, therefore you live.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.