Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
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Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Education is vital
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*