@KenJennings

Friday night is my weekly time to ponder…which do I hate more: my friends, or having to make new friends?

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@pittdave13

Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?

@LuckoftheDraw86

Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.

@superdadatron

*Opens fridge

*Sees chocolate bar with a note “please don’t eat me”.

*Eats chocolate bar

Now who would want to eat a piece of paper?

@ElgatoEsmio

Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.

@lasergirl70

I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.

@gianni_bcn

To show off my “Downton Abbey etiquette” at the gym, I don’t throw punches at the punching bag. I just say something witty and cruel to it.

@VeganZebra

WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less

@difficultpatty

[Restaurant]

Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.

Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?

Me: Still call it a salad though.

@amishschool

* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *