Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Friday night is my weekly time to ponder…which do I hate more: my friends, or having to make new friends?
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Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
*Sees chocolate bar with a note “please don’t eat me”.
*Eats chocolate bar
Now who would want to eat a piece of paper?
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Matthew McConaughay is for Matthew McConaughorses
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
To show off my “Downton Abbey etiquette” at the gym, I don’t throw punches at the punching bag. I just say something witty and cruel to it.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *