Friday night plans

*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac

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*uptown funk comes on*

Guy: honey this HAS to be our first dance at our wedding

Honey: lol I’m made by bees


“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”

“No whey!”


I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”


I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.


I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.


your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids


If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.


Him: This house is perfect for us!
Her: What about the kids?
Him: You’re right. We’ll have to put them up for adoption


Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”