@funnybeachgirl

Friday night plans

*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac

You Might Also Like

@captainkalvis

*uptown funk comes on*

Guy: honey this HAS to be our first dance at our wedding

Honey: lol I’m made by bees

@QwertyJones3

“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”

“No whey!”

@brianbowman73

I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”

@KrunkedRobot

I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.

@theshantilly

I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.

@MattOswaltVA

your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids

@P1ssed_K1d

If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.

@Mr_Kapowski

Him: This house is perfect for us!
Her: What about the kids?
Him: You’re right. We’ll have to put them up for adoption

@iwearaonesie

Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”