Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
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My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.