Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
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Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do