If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
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My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
If you say Jesus backwards it sounds like Sausage.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
if cops want to catch serial killers why don’t they just hang out at petsmart and follow home the guys that buy tarantulas