@cakickboxher

Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me

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@Jason_Horton

If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.

@Gupton68

My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.

Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.

@BoogTweets

Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?

Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…

Me: *loads nutrigun*

Cashier: What the heck?

@AnniemuMary

Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”

@nachosarah

IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER

@tucker_doherty

Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.

@Poutymcgee

[during sex]

If you say Jesus backwards it sounds like Sausage.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?

Him: that’s a ladle

@fart

if cops want to catch serial killers why don’t they just hang out at petsmart and follow home the guys that buy tarantulas