Friday
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The Book. The Movie.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.