Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
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When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
him: what are you writing?
me: an epic romantic novel.
him: nice! what’s it called?
Cat: Lame. Just lame.
Me: Shut up. Not everyone goes out Friday nights u know.
Cat: Leave extra food out. Im bringing a girl home.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?