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@MrFilmkritik

When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.

Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.

@DadandBuried

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.

@pilau

Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.

@TheDairylandDon

No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.

@diaruba74

I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.

Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.

@UnFitz

Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”

@DitzMcGeee

him: what are you writing?
me: an epic romantic novel.
him: nice! what’s it called?
me:

@BeardedSteel

Cat: Lame. Just lame.
Me: Shut up. Not everyone goes out Friday nights u know.
Cat: Leave extra food out. Im bringing a girl home.
Me: …ok

@clintwebster

When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?