Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips

-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat

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Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?

God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.

Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.


I feel bad for that caveman who invented the wheel because you know his mother-in-law was all “She shoulda married Grog. He invented fire”


If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.


Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*


Just bought a universal remote control.

…I really wish, this changes everything..


If you love something, set it free…

Except if ‘It’ is a man.

Because he’ll get lost,

and won’t ask for directions.


[stumbles out of bar with girl]

Weโ€™ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby