Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
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Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
A little too much information.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.