Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
Twice baked potatoes
-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
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I feel bad for that caveman who invented the wheel because you know his mother-in-law was all “She shoulda married Grog. He invented fire”
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Pants are for people with something to hide.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.