Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@AsgardianRose

Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?

God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.

Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.

@caperbc75

I feel bad for that caveman who invented the wheel because you know his mother-in-law was all “She shoulda married Grog. He invented fire”

@LurkAtHomeMom

If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.

@JessicaVarsity

Pants are for people with something to hide.

@stevevsninjas

Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*

@iGreenGod

Just bought a universal remote control.

…I really wish, this changes everything..

@LeahsLounge

If you love something, set it free…

Except if ‘It’ is a man.

Because he’ll get lost,

and won’t ask for directions.

@skellyfish

turning my gender off to conserve energy

@squirrel74wkgn

[stumbles out of bar with girl]

We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby

@theregoesrichie

Apparently there is a mountain high enough.