Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
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HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money