A new level of troll.
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My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
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Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
superman landing like a plane on his belly