Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
You Might Also Like
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕