Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
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may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Duolingo getting serious.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.