The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
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ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night