Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
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Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
I hate it when people write tweets with the algorithm in mind. Everyone’s trying to Taylor their content to what’s popular. I’m Swift ly losing patience with this.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”