Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
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It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar