doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
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My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country