Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
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Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.