Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
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one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
“Sheer Arrogance”
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”