Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
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me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
this is the best day of my life
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*