Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
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Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
teacher: your son doesn’t understand art
me: ok ill give him drugs
me: emotional trauma?
me: abandonment issues?
me: it seems to me like you’re the one who doesn’t understand art
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Hey people who design vacuums- Why the headlight?
Are people vacuuming in the dark? or riding them on the freeway & I just havent seen?
I’m not racist.
Some of my best friends are white such as Joey, Phoebe and Rachel. And I can’t forget Chandler.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
I’m easily the third toughest guy at this casino breakfast buffet.