Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”

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Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.


Friend: I hate frozen pizza

Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.



teacher: your son doesn’t understand art

me: ok ill give him drugs

teacher: no

me: emotional trauma?

teacher: no

me: abandonment issues?

teacher: no

me: it seems to me like you’re the one who doesn’t understand art


[playing guitar in hotel lounge]

Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?

Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?


“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”

“Get out of my hamper.”


Hey people who design vacuums- Why the headlight?
Are people vacuuming in the dark? or riding them on the freeway & I just havent seen?


I’m not racist.

Some of my best friends are white such as Joey, Phoebe and Rachel. And I can’t forget Chandler.


People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.