@carlyken

Friend apologizes for mess.
Friend has immaculate house.
Open her closet.
Out comes 78 books, a piano and a gentleman squirrel in a top hat.

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@robfee

Sure, I have gluten free Halloween candy for your kid.
*Reaches in pocket & pulls out middle finger*
Get off my lawn before I call the cops

@novicefather

I’m at my most audacious and brazen when I shamelessly use words like audacious and brazen.

@AnkCoupleTO

I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?

@TheHyyyype

GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop

ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?

GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs

ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap

@PLATINUM2000

Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.

@Marlebean

If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering