I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
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My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Oops
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!