Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Friend apologizes for mess.
Friend has immaculate house.
Open her closet.
Out comes 78 books, a piano and a gentleman squirrel in a top hat.
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Sure, I have gluten free Halloween candy for your kid.
*Reaches in pocket & pulls out middle finger*
Get off my lawn before I call the cops
I’m at my most audacious and brazen when I shamelessly use words like audacious and brazen.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Me: I’m nauseous.
WebMD: Stop looking in the mirror.