Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
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Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
The Sun
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun