FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
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6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me