Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
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No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Oh, I bet you would be
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?