[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
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A new study shows body-image issues start as young as 3. How awful. That means 2-year-olds with gross bodies think they look okay.
To people calling themselves “Grammar Nazis”: you’re not correcting grammar so much as punctuation or spelling. Hi, I’m a Nomenclature Nazi.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control