@abbycohenwl

Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long

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@ShutUpThatsWho

[clown cleaning shower]

MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.

[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]

@GaryJanetti

A new study shows body-image issues start as young as 3. How awful. That means 2-year-olds with gross bodies think they look okay.

@TheWoodenslurpy

To people calling themselves “Grammar Nazis”: you’re not correcting grammar so much as punctuation or spelling. Hi, I’m a Nomenclature Nazi.

@3sunzzz

Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.

@shutupmikeginn

Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”

@dril

glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,

@GinAndJif

Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?

@MommaUnfiltered

Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.

@thekwonk

It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.

@KalvinMacleod

INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control