Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
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just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench