Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
You Might Also Like
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?