Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
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*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
This is the one
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List