Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
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society: mothers get their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: they get a whole week
Me: Have you heard about Stockholm Syndrome? Where the captor and the captive become BFF’s?
Kidnapper: You’ve been here 10 minutes?
Me: It stands for Best Friends Forever if you’re wondering
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
My wife changed her relationship status to “irritated”
I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn’t even eat them.