Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
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my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?