@daemonic3

FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes

ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!

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@philyuck

“Vodka martini. Shaken not stirred.”

“So just the normal way you make a martini then?”

“That’s right.”

@ItsAndyRyan

Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane

Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child

Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice

@WeissBrandon

When I see a couple and the women’s pregnant. I always walk up and YELL “why don’t you tell him who is really the father.” and walk away

@_334baby

Being in your 20s is a weird place. Some of my friends married, some started a family and I’m just here. Trynna figure out this syllabus.

@nbadag

HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home

@prontopup

“‘Earth’ without ‘the’ is just ‘ar’.” – Pirates

If you haven’t seen “Earth without art is just eh” then you prolly didn’t like this tweet.

@onion_an

Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out

Me: Ok then

[later that evening]

Dentist: Well this is nice

My tooth: I’m having a lovely time

@DothTheDoth

Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.

@GianDoh

The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.