“Vodka martini. Shaken not stirred.”
“So just the normal way you make a martini then?”
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
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Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
When I see a couple and the women’s pregnant. I always walk up and YELL “why don’t you tell him who is really the father.” and walk away
Being in your 20s is a weird place. Some of my friends married, some started a family and I’m just here. Trynna figure out this syllabus.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
“‘Earth’ without ‘the’ is just ‘ar’.” – Pirates
If you haven’t seen “Earth without art is just eh” then you prolly didn’t like this tweet.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.